Vampires Will Never Hurt You
by eleen
Summary: If Twilight was a stage musical it would go something like this......AU. A lot of Romeo and Juliet references. ABANDONED. I tried, it went nowhere fast.
1. Part 1

TITLE: Vampires Will Never Hurt You

AUTHOR: Eleen

GENRE: Parody/Romance

SUMMARY: If Twilight was a stage musical it would go something like this…AU. A lot of Romeo and Juliet references.

A/N: First off, **DO NOT BE ALARMED IF SOMEONE DIES**. In this world it is irrelevant, otherwise I would be flaming myself. And all the songs are from My Chemical Romance. Also, this is in script format so each scene begins with a slug line that will tell you if it takes place inside or outside (INT or EXT), the location and if it is night or day.

* * *

**ENT/INT.RESTERANT.NIGHT**

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE sit at a table in a crowded restaurant laughing and drinking red liquid. And two men in hoods enter stage left and raise their pistols and shoot the WAITER. Everyone hits the floor, EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE begin returning fire along with a few other patrons. In the confusion the hooded men have the advantage. ALICE takes a shot in the arm and falls over the bar. The men ignore the Cullens and keep killing. Eventually, only the six remain among corpses.

EMMETT

(singing)

In the middle of a gunfight  
In the center of a restaurant  
They say,

POLICE

"Come with your arms raised high!"

The POLICE dance in with shotguns raised. The MEN flee out the backdoor while ROSALIE, EMMETT and JASPER run to check on ALICE. The POLICE capture the four vampires. During the song, jail cells on wheels are rolled onto the stage and EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are placed inside.

EMMETT JASPER ALICE and ROSALIE

(singing)

Well they're never gonna get me  
Like a bullet through a flock of doves  
To wage this war against your faith in me,  
Your life will never be the same  
On your mother's eyes say a prayer  
Say a prayer

Now, but I can't  
And I don't know  
How we're just human as god had made us  
Well I can't, well I can't  
Too much, too late and just not enough of us  
Paying more for your dying wish  
I kiss your lips again

We lost three of the cards, and the checkers are lost  
My cellmate is a killer, he made me do push-ups  
Well nobody cares if you're losing yourself  
Am I losing myself? I miss my mom

EMMETT is placed in the Electric chair, ROSALIE is given an injection. ALICE and JASPER are hanged. They all live, the POLICE look baffled and frustrated.

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE

(singing)

Give me the chair,

a lethal injection  
A swing from the rope if you dare  
But nobody knows, imma drop my soap

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are returned to their cells while the POLICE huddle up SATGE LEFT.

Now, well I cant  
And I don't know  
How we're just human as god had made us  
Well I cant, well I cant  
Too much, too late and just not enough of us  
Paying more for your dying wish  
I kiss your lips again

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE have had enough and began to break open their cell doors.

To your room  
What they ask of you  
Will make you want to sit  
So long  
But I don't remember  
Why remember?

THE POLICE see EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE attempting to escape. One of them pulls a giant lever and fire shoots out from around the cells, trapping the prisoners, they sing to their death.

Life is but a dream for the dead  
And well I, I wont go down by myself  
But I'll go down with my friends  
Now now now now. now now now. now now now…

**INT.PARTY AT RANDOM HOUSE.NIGHT**

JACOB and BELLA stand talking by the wall, avoiding the crowd on against dance floor. JACOB is wearing a waistcoat, BELLA in gloves and a blue dress.

JACOB

Are you having fun?

BELLA

Remind me why I'm here.

JACOB

(smiling)

Because you enjoy the pleasure of my company.

BELLA

This is a stupid reason to have a party.

JACOB

Come on, Isabella! The police _finally_ figured out how to kill those hell-sent mass murderers.

BELLA

I don't know, I'm not to sure they did it…

JACOB

They were found by the police with the guns in their hands surrounded by the innocent people they'd slaughtered!

BELLA

Can we talk about something else?

JACOB

Um…I like your shoes?

BELLA

Thanks

JACOB

Maybe next time you could wear the white dress, this one's not really appropriate for public.

BELLA

I'm thirsty. Could you get me something to drink?

JACOB

Sure, honey.

BELLA cringes as he walks away. She looks around before slipping out of the party.

**EXT.FORKS.NIGHT**

BELLA walks out a door and looks both ways. EDWARD comes out around from the side of the house.

EDWARD

Leaving without your husband?

BELLA

He's not my… Wait, who are you?

EDWARD

I am no one.

BELLA

Well, No One, it was nice meeting you but I must be going.

EDWARD

Wait!

BELLA turns to leave but EDWARD grabs her arm and spins her around for a kiss. They break apart.

EDWARD

I like your dress.

BELLA

Wha…?

EDWARD dashes away and BELLA shakes her head confused.

BELLA

My life can't possibly get any stranger.

As BELLA continues slowly down the street a group of drunk celebrators drive towards her in the carriage. BELLA tries to walk faster but just ends up falling. She screams as the carriage approaches at a fast pace. EDWARD reappears and grabs her out of the way.

EDWARD

Miss me, yet?

BELLA

Ahh…who are you again?

EDWARD

No one. We've been through this.

BELLA

Ah, yes. And No One, why would I miss you?

EDWARD

Because of my kissing expertise.

BELLA

Um…

CELEBRATORS turn around and come back.

MAN

SORRY! But, Hey! The demons are dead! Hooray! Have a drink on us!

CELBRATORS thrust a bottle in a paper bag into BELLA's hands and then continue off-stage cheering.

BELLA

I stand corrected.

EDWARD

What?

BELLA

Nothing.

EDWARD

So, did you miss me?

BELLA

For the five whole seconds of your absence? Not exactly.

EDWARD

Alas, still stunned by the kiss.

BELLA

Yes, that's it. Tell me, No One, do you normally grab girls in the street and kiss them?

EDWARD

I'm in mourning.

BELLA

I'm sorry.

EDWARD

Well it was nice talking to you. Kissing you. And saving your life, but I must be going.

BELLA

Again?

EDWARD

Remember to miss me.

EDWARD runs off-stage. BELLA continues down the street.

BELLA

(singing)

Oh baby here comes the sound!  
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.  
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.  
Can we settle up the score?

As BELLA dances down the street singing, a dozen CELEBRATORS join her.

(singing)

If you were here I'd never have a fear.  
So go on live your life.  
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.

You're beautiful!

Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.  
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.  
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.  
In the best damn dress I own?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.  
So go on live your life.  
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.  
You're so far away.  
So c'mon show me how.  
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say  
We are young and we don't care

CELEBRATORS

oh whoa ow

BELLA

(singing)

Your dreams and your hopeless hair.

CELEBRATORS

oh whoa ow

BELLA

(singing)

We never wanted it to be this way.  
For all our lives.  
Do you care at all?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.  
So go on live your life.  
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.  
You're so far away.  
So c'mon show me how.  
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

What'd you call me?  
Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy

BELLA finishes with a crescendo and everyone strikes a finishing pose. Fade to black.

* * *

TBC 


	2. Part 2

A/N: BIG hugs and thanks to MidnightxRed, YoolieYick and 0 FireRose 0 for leaving reviews! And cookies for Aspen's Dark Twilight for plugging me and making me write this thing.

Disclaimer: Twilight and MCR are not me!

Songs: "**Cemetery Drive" **and** "I Never Told You What I Do For A Living" **

**EXT.CEMETERY DRIVE.NIGHT**

Stage left is an iron gate, center stage is a group of trees and gravestones, stage right is a large crypt and in front of it four crosses. Scattered amongst the gravestones are eerie statues of angels. CARLISLE and ESME are standing by the crosses; they lay flowers and then head towards the gate. BELLA enters through the gate. As CARLISLE and ESME approach, BELLA hides a bottle behind her back.

BELLA

Doctor Carlisle, Mrs. Cullen, I'm so sorry for your loss.

DOCTOR CARLISLE

Thank you, dear Bella, you have no idea how much that means to us.

BELLA

Well, what happened was just horrible, I can't believe the town would allow it. It must be so hard for you.

DOCTOR CARLILSE

Edward's taking it the hardest, poor lad.

BELLA

Edward?

ESME

Our son. He rode in from the city when he heard the news.

DOCTOR CARLILSE

He's been wandering around town ever since, it was a big blow to him; he just hasn't been himself lately. Well, it's getting late, Goodnight Bella.

BELLA

Goodnight.

CARLISLE and ESME exit through the gate and BELLA heads off towards the gravestones stage right. EDWARD appears standing on top of the crypt and begins to sing. BELLA jumps in surprise and turns to stare at him.

EDWARD

(singing)

This night, walk the dead  
In a solitary style  
And crash the cemetery gates.  
In the dress your husband hates  
Way down, mark the grave  
Where the search lights find us  
Drinking by the mausoleum door  
And they found you on the bathroom floor

I miss you, I miss you so far!  
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard!

Back home, off the run  
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists  
It isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun  
So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying

BELLA

(singing)

Are you there at all?

EDWARD

(singing)

If you want I'll keep on crying

BELLA

(singing)

Do you care at all?

EDWARD

(singing)

Did you get what you deserve?

BELLA

(singing)

Are you there at all?

EDWARD

(singing)

Is this what you always want me for?

I miss you, I miss you so far  
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

Way down, way down  
Way down, way down  
Way down, way down  
Way down, way down

I miss you, I miss you so far  
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

When will I miss you, when will I miss you so far  
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard  
Made it so hard

Way down, way down  
Way down, way down  
Way down, way down  
Way down, way down  
Way down...

EDWARD jumps down off the crypt beside BELLA.

EDWRAD

Fancy seeing you here.

BELLA

Well…you see…I…

EDWARD

Knew it would be the one place no one in town would be.

BELLA

I'm sorry, I…

EDWARD

No, please. I appreciate you coming to pay your respects to my dearly departed brothers and sisters, but this is not the end of the road, you know?

BELLA

Well, yes, of course. There's a God, and a heaven.

EDWARD

No doubt a preacher's daughter would say that.

BELLA

What is that suppose to mean?

EDWARD

Well people like me don't hope to visit such places. We know where we're headed.

EDWARD points to the ground and BELLA gasps.

BELLA

Don't condemn yourself to such horrors as that just yet! There is time to repent, our God forgives all.

EDWARD

God won't forgive me. Where do you think my siblings are now?

BELLA

Oh, no! Don't say that!

EDWARD

It's true.

BELLA

How?

EDWARD

I hope you never find out.

BELLA

I'm curious. What makes a young man such as yourself condemn himself so early in life? Paint me a picture.

EDWARD

The palate is dark.

BELLA

I can handle it, I'm sure.

EDWARD

I'm sure you already have an idea.

EDWARD gestures to the four graves beside them.

BELLA

You can honestly believe I think like everyone else? That I would believe something like that?

A voice is heard calling from stage left.

JACOB and FATHER SWAN

Isabella! Isabella?

BELLA spins around to look for the owners' of the voices.

BELLA

Oh, Goodness! They've found me.

BELLA begins to go, but turns back to EDWARD.

BELLA

Promise me we will see each other again?

EDWARD

With your luck, our paths will cross again.

BELLA

Good. When that time comes, you will let me help you. So don't give up on Heaven.

BELLA runs off Stage Left, but not before shucking her bottle into the woods center stage.

EDWARD

Dear, sweet, innocent Bella. If you only knew, Heaven is with you.

(singing)

Stay out of the light  
Or the photograph that I gave you  
You can say a prayer if you need to  
Or just get in line and I'll grieve you  
Can I meet you, alone  
Another night and I'll see you  
Another night and I'll be you  
Some other way to continue  
To hide my face

EDWARD, as he sings, the angel STATUES come alive and begins to dance behind him. EDWARD dances a little, only when he seems to feel like it.

EDWARD

(singing)

Another knife in my hands  
A stain that never comes off the sheets  
Clean me off  
I'm so dirty babe  
The kind of dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes  
I keep a book of the names and those  
Only go so far 'til you bury them  
So deep and down we go  
Touched by angels, though I fall out of grace  
I did it all so maybe I'd live this every day

Another knife in my hands  
A stain that never comes off the sheets  
Clean me off  
I'm so dirty babe  
It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame  
It's for the bodies I claim and lose

Only go so far 'til you bury them  
So deep and down we go

Down

And down we go  
And down we go  
And down we go  
And we all fall down

I tried  
I tried

And we'll all dance alone to the tune of your death  
We'll love again, we'll laugh again  
And it's better off this way

And never again, and never again  
They gave us two shots to the back of the head  
And we're all dead now.

Well never again, and never again  
They gave us two shots to the back of the head  
And we're all dead now.

Well I tried  
One more night  
One more night  
well I'm laughin' out, cryin' out, laughin' out loud  
I tried, well I tried, well I tried,  
'Cause I tried, but I lied  
I lied

I tried  
I tried  
I tried, well

And we'll love again, we'll laugh again  
We'll cry again and we'll dance again  
And it's better off this way  
So much better off this way  
I can't clean the blood off the sheets in my bed

And never again, and never again  
They gave us two shots to the back of the head  
And we're all dead now

EDWARD fades out of song, the STATUES return to their poses. EDWARD takes one last look around.

EDWARD

Dear Bella, you don't have a clue as to what you've gotten yourself into.

Exit Edward stage right.

Fade to Black


End file.
